Stolen Funny

I found this on another blog and stole it because it was so gosh darn funny, enjoy!=)

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~Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

~How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

~I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a **************** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

~While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

~MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

~Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

~I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

~Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

~I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

~Bad decisions make good stories.

~Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

~Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

~If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

~Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

~You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

~Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

~There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

~I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

~"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

~I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

~While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

~I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

~I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

~I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

~Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

~As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

~Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

~It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

~I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

~Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
~Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

~The only time I ever like hitting a red light is when I am trying to finish a text.

~I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit, or goes even slower...

~I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

~I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.