Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Confessions of a Life Long Wallflower

As of tomorrow there are exactly 18 days left until I turn 25, a quarter of a century. If you would have asked me at 15, 18, 21, or even 23 that I would still be living at home, without some hope of marriage in the imminent future I would have laughed you out of the park and then burst into tears!

As a kid I started out wanting to be a nun. Then, I bounced the gamut from police woman to professional spelunker (a person who explores caves). Then in my early teens I decided I wanted to be a teacher. I had that goal in mind until I was about 15 and then God laid a new desire on my heart, to be a stay at home wife and mother.

So, as you can guess ever since I was 15 I've been waiting for my prince and his white horse to show up and as I sit here typing this 10 years later, I have yet to hear a peep or catch even a tiny glimpse over the horizon of my prince. The worry over whether I misinterpreted the call I felt God laid upon my heart has become over whelming some days. And as bad as I feel about bringing it up when there are so many other far worse problems in this world to pray for, whenever I do the advice I hear all sounds something like this.....

Don't worry, you're still young.....enjoy this season of singleness.....don't waste your single years.....there are lots of fish in the sea.....I didn't get married until I was in my 30's.....there are lots of girls who are older then you and not married yet.....

I know they mean well, but can someone just once say I know it sucks and that you're sacred out of your mind and I have no idea what God has in store for you, but if you feel that God laid this desire on your heart then keep on truckin'!

Instead of the almost mindless platitudes and just grin and bear it's!

Through the years I've read all the books I can find on Godly singleness/dating and as different as they all are, you want to know the one unifying theme they all have? Most of the book is spent telling me how to stop having/get over all of the harmful relationships I've had and am currently having and at 24 I'm a little tired of skimming the first 3/4 of a book because it doesn't apply to me!

I have never had even ONE guy express any sort of interest in me what so ever! Not even a little bit of flirting (Mom and Becca I know you thinking of PaBobMay, but the coffee guy does not count, he talks to Dad they same way!) I've prayed about and taken to heart the books advice, but where are all the guys I'm supposed to be having to beat off with a stick and my bible?

How can I live out what I felt and still feel God calling me to do if I can't even get a guy to wink at me? That particular calling is NOT one a person can accomplish on her own!!! I have prayed about going to collage and getting my teaching degree, going on mission trips short and long term, or looking into other careers, but God always says, no and wait. I have to say God, I'm getting rather discouraged and very tired of waiting!

My older sister and younger sister both are amazing and beautiful, and next to their myriad of accomplishments and talents I feel overshadowed and left behind. Since I graduated high school (what a bang up that was!) nothing much has changed, I'm still a nanny and even though I've prayed about other opportunities nothing has gotten the green flag.

So, here I sit a mere 18 days away from turning 25, scared out of my mind that somewhere along the line I messed up and missed Gods true calling in my life. What is wrong with me, what about me makes it so I can't even attract a hint of notice from a guy? Is there some big important step to becoming a Godly woman that I missed?

I truly feel that God has called me to be where I am and do what I'm doing, but there is always that what if hovering in the back of my head waiting for a weak moment to claw it's way into the forefront of my mind once more and obviously this is one of those moments!

As I see others accomplish goals and move forward along the paths God has laid out for them the feeling of being passed over only grows. Right now, I don't feel better about it! I'm sure soon, God will show me some verse or speak to my heart, but as for right now? I am left standing here holding up the wall watching the dance of life and love pass me by.

Sorry for being so depressing, but I wanted to get this off of my chest! Prayers and advice would be greatly appreciated!! =)