Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Is That Darn Glass Half Full or Half Empty?

I'm sure at some point in our lives, we have all been asked this question. Is the glass half full, or half empty? I always answer half full, and that means I am an optimist. If you answer the opposite, it means you are a pessimist. If you; like some small percentage of the population, launch into a very long and philosophical answer, about how it's not empty at all, it's full of air and water. Or it's all the way empty, because you didn't want water so it's empty off what you want..... don't be surprised if when you are done talking, I've managed to slip away and am now some where else, viewing the world though my rose colored glasses.

The older I've gotten, the more I've wondered, is my optimism is a shield I use to hide from reality? I don't want bad things to happen, so I convince myself that they are not going to happen, then am heartbroken when they do. I always want to believe the best in people and have dealt with some problems because of it. I know that I would handle a situation in a certain way, without bugging or inconveniencing anyone, so I assume the rest of the world operates that way as well.

I blindly have faith that it all will turn out all right, and am unprepared when things go bad. I thought for sure I would be married before I had to get another job, twice now. I have convinced myself of this fact twice now! I started out at 17 watching a little girl and then her little brother, I had years before they went to school, I was for sure going to have moved further on down the road of my life by then, right?

Well, the girl is in 2nd grade and her brother is in kindergarten. Okay, that's okay, so I started watching another set of siblings thinking this is it, this is the last job I will have to get, before I can head on down the path I know God has for me. Well, the older girl is now in 1st grade and her bother is in preschool, so while I am still needed for afternoons, my paycheck has been cut in half.

I asked the parents back in July what their  plans where, they didn't know. They would let me know as soon as they figured it out. Time passed and my no news is good news policy was in high effect! No news, was not good news and I was left stunned and hurt. Had I been a pessimist, I would have assumed I was going to be worse off and already have gotten a new job.

So, here I am, single and needing another job. Filled with doubts and scared as hell that maybe, just maybe I got it wrong. Maybe it wasn't God calling me to be a wife and mother, maybe it was just what I wanted. Maybe I was supposed to go to collage and become a teacher or go to beauty school and learn to cut hair. Did I majorly screw up, am I out of Gods will? What am I going to do? Taking care of kids and a household is all I know how to do, there are not well paying jobs out there for that skill set!

After knowing for sure twice now that I would be married before I needed another job, I have been bitterly disappointed that price charming has not shown up. I realize that I need to; while not completely lose my faith in the goodness of the world, take the rose colored glasses off a little more often and try to see the world how it really is.

Sorry for the rather long depressing post, I'm sure the rose colored glasses will slip back into place before long and I will once again be oblivious and happy with the world! I really do know; in my heart, that I am right where God wants me, but my aforementioned overactive imagination runs wild when I'm upset!=)